There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize