Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Acid is not a monday night drug
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
