turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
