dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
