You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You may now shotgun with the bride
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize