I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
