HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
