I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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