True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
