I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Randomize
