Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Randomize
