My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I need moral support for this bender
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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