While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
