Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
