I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
