Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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