I wish my penis had an off switch
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
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