dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Did you pee in the oven last night??
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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