My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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