dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
