I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
