i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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