Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
