do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Less talking, more tequila
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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