dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
