Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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