Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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