My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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