the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
