She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
