I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I wish you could order shots online.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
