Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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