I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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