Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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