Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
