I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
