i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
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