i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
