I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
