I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
