he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
