when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
