Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
