Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
