Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
