Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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