How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
