So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
