in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
is it fun? or sober?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
