No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
