he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
