When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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