I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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