I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
