I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
