i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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