ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i just had sex bonerless
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
