there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
