My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
